Lamplighter Media Productions

what the title says

Coronavirus Task Force Unveils New Mascot: Fauci Bear

May 18, 2020

In a new move of great progress and innovative marketing, the coronavirus task force revealed in a briefing last Sunday that they have a new mascot, Fauci Bear. Like many mascots, Fauci Bear is mute. In an interview with the press, Fauci Bear was quoted saying “.... ………, ………” Trump expressed concerns about this opinion, saying “He’s completely wrong, like, totally wrong, he...

editor allison puts in a pride buck

Administration Raids Illegal Counterfeit PRIDE Bucks Operation

January 17, 2020

Five people were given SAFE and several thousand counterfeit PRIDE Bucks were seized in a raid by school administration last Thursday. There were no fatalities. We at the Sinecure interviewed one of the counterfeiters, who shall remain unnamed. The following is a transcript of the interview. Interviewer: What led you to print these PRIDE Bucks illegally? Jack Dallard: It is trivial to see that P...

The hallways of Dunbar as illustrated by MS Paint

Dunbar to Change Dismissal to 3:16 to Prevent Early Dismissals

January 8, 2020

Over the last couple of years, Dunbar has been plagued by a recurring problem. Students, towards the end of class, move from their seats and towards the door, eventually forming hordes and sometimes even overflowing into the halls. This causes teachers to tragically lose several minutes at the end of class, those precious minutes already protected by the 5-5 rule. Fortunately, this will soon come to...

Pulitzer Prize Winners @PLDRealNews Provide Only Real Factual Genuine Real Verified Actual Real Confirmed True Real News

Pulitzer Prize Winners @PLDRealNews Provide Only Real Factual Genuine Real Verified Actual Real Confirmed True Real News

December 20, 2019

Here at The Sinecure we would like to congratulate PLDRealNews for winning the Pulitzer Prize for their impeachment coverage. Secretly, by publishing this story, we are hoping to "Streisand Effect" @pldrealnews because PLD Lamplighter is obviously fake news ;) Here is what makes PLDRealNews the best journalism out there: PLDRealNews is truly as real as the name might suggest. With an authenticity that ...

UK Football Reminds Us Why We Only Watch UK Basketball

UK Football Reminds Us Why We Only Watch UK Basketball

September 25, 2019

The game was set for a thrilling matchup. The sold-out crowd was filing in nicely and they were going crazy. Kentucky set up to kickoff and the speakers echoed those infamous words, “It’s football time in the Bluegrass!” On their first drive, Florida was moving the ball well, but their drive was stopped short when #13 Feleipe Franks threw a pick to #23 Tyrell Ajian and he took it 22 yards...

The Persistence of Memory, a famous 1931 painting by Salvador Dalí, is a pretty good representation of how your summer will go.

How To Waste Your Summer

June 4, 2019

Now that finals are over and you have finally taken the most important test in every class (or the retake on the one test bringing your grade down) summer break is here. In the words of the Phineas and Ferb theme song, “the annual problem for our generation is finding a good way to spend it.” Don’t worry, we at the Sinecure have your back. Here are the best ways you can waste your summer. YouTube The easiest ...

An MS Paint representation of the math hallway mullion.

New Poll Shows Higher Pole Collisions Than Previously Thought

May 31, 2019

Have you ever run into one of Dunbar’s many poles? Don’t feel so lonely, a new poll suggests that this practice is prolific, especially among freshmen. The poll, taken by the People that Plan Poles (PPP), gives proof that pole-pinging is a perpetual event. This, of course, bodes well for all of the freshmen that have run into the pole in the door between the downstairs hallway and the math...

A proper MS Paint representation of the tragic end to the hallway couple.

Hallway Couple Cancelled Next Year

May 31, 2019

As the 2018-2019 school year winds to a close, students were informed that they would be missing out on a special kind of intimacy next year. It was announced on Monday that, tragically, everyone’s favorite hallway couple won’t be around for the 2019-2020 school year. A regular of the route, Sophomore Will Skovesdale said, “I’m going to miss the everyday PDA.” And it looks like a...

The Sinecure Guide to K-PREP

The Sinecure Guide to K-PREP

May 17, 2019

Here are five tips on how to get one of those All-Distinguished medals that you haven't seen since you last looked at the trophy case your parents set up for you. 1. Start Studying Early To get a Distinguished on the K-PREP Science and On-Demand sections, you will have to start studying early. There aren’t any K-PREP practice exams, but you can find the standards online. The Science test cov...