Over the last couple of years, Dunbar has been plagued by a recurring problem. Students, towards the end of class, move from their seats and towards the door, eventually forming hordes and sometimes even overflowing into the halls. This causes teachers to tragically lose several minutes at the end of class, those precious minutes already protected by the 5-5 rule. Fortunately, this will soon come to an end.

In an effort to stop students from crowding the doorways before class ends, Dunbar administration has decided to extend the day by exactly one minute. The new minute will be used as a recess from 3:15 to 3:16, that way students are able to pay attention in class right up until 3:15, then stand at the door for the minute before dismissal. On CCR days, the extra minute will be used for CCR block instead of a recess. The number one problem at Dunbar is that the CCR blocks are too short. CCR contains important resources that revitalize the landscape of the landfill.

In an effort to raise school spirit, every Friday there will be a school-wide Kahoot. Questions will be Dunbar-based, for example, “What year was Dunbar founded,” ”What is Dunbar’s current fastest fire drill evacuation,” and “What is the current population of the colony of field mice living in the ceiling tiles?” Winners will be displayed during Lamplighter’s weekly broadcast. To prevent students from picking fake or bad names, students will be required to sign in with their student accounts. We all know your name isn’t Hugh Janus.

In an effort to maintain consistency in the winter season, early dismissal times will also be set back by one minute. If the day that is called off early is a CCR day, then the extra minute will still go to CCR. If it is a Friday, the Kahoot will be canceled.

In an effort to make it seem like Dunbar is somehow a democracy, an email with a SurveyMonkey link will be sent to every student email in about 90 days to ask how each student feels about the change. Disregarding the non-response bias that these surveys are subject to (since nobody checks their student email) and fake responses by people that think school administrators have a sense of humor, any negative responses will promptly be ignored.

The day after the link is sent out, an announcement will be given in the morning to tell us about the ‘positive feedback’ that was received and how many people are saying that they love it. This is a play straight out of the Donald Trump campaign handbook, but if we learned anything in the last four years, it’s that nobody cares about data or evidence.

In an effort to retain continuity, this also means that all athletics will be pushed back by a minute. This includes mathletics.

The Sinecure is, of course, a part of PLD Lamplighter, and is duly subject to censorship by the editors. This includes statements like the following. PLD Marching Band will not be pushed back by a minute, seeing as marching band is [OMITTED] a sport.