Not so long ago, we were blessed by the Gods of Hollywood. Jimmy Hayward was this glorious man who graced us with such a glorious piece of cinema . In the past, he was a producer on the 2001 movie Shrek and he has blessed us with the greatest movie of all time. This movie makes movies like Everything Everywhere All at Once and Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse look like street trash. This magnificent marvel of a movie is called Free Birds.

The movie is about two turkeys: Reggie and Jake. Reggie is a pampered presidentially pardoned turkey who is living a luxurious life full of Chuck E. Cheese pizza and Romcom binge-watching. Until one day he is snatched from his home by Jake, president of TFF, the Turkey Freedom Fighters.

Burdened with glorious purpose from The Great Turkey, he brings Reggie along to help find a time machine under the White House. The plan is to not even save ten turkeys, not even one hundred turkeys, it’s to save all turkeys on earth. The plan is to go back in time to the first Thanksgiving to get turkeys off the menu, that’s right, in this movie they go back in time to the first Thanksgiving to get turkeys off the menu! After successfully stealing the Space-Time Exploration Vehicle Envoy, AKA S.T.E.V.E. they pursue their mission and travel back in time to Plymouth colony in 1621. It is their mission to change the course of history.

Free Birds has a stacked cast full of greatly memorable characters. The main character is Reggie. He’s a selfish and annoying jerk wanting to only get his normal life back as a pardoned turkey. He doesn’t care for Jake’s holy mission, only that his needs are cared for. But he does only find interest in another female turkey and stays in the past to win her over. Because of this, he is probably the most unlikeable character in the movie.

The main attraction is Jake. He is a strong-passioned, heartwarming, and powerful turkey. His mission to save the entire turkey species is such a notable act to do. It all happened when he was born in secrecy at a factory farm. His mother didn’t want the humans to take him and kill him so she kept him for herself. When he was old enough he was tasked by his mother and the other turkeys to take some of their eggs and start a new life away from the constant carnage. As he tried to escape he was chased out by guards, and as the eggs were too big to fit through a gap in the outer fence, he left them there and he was the only one to escape. 

After his crushing failure, he was visited by a giant light in the sky. “LISTEN TO ME, YOUNG JAKE!” said the metaphysical mediator. It was revealed that it was The Great Turkey. He had given him the sacred time knob and left him saying “THE MOST IMPORTANT THING FOR YOU TO REMEMBER IS THAT YOU MUST NEVER GIVE UP, NO MATTER WHAT STANDS IN YOUR WAY!” With his guilt and mysterious visitor guiding him, he made it his mission to free all turkeys.

The second best character is S.T.E.V.E. He is Reggie and Jake’s loyal time machine. He provides guidance to the birds and offers knowledgeable insight to them. He is a man, or a machine, with very few words but he makes those few words very important. 

Another turkey is Jenny. She is part of a turkey tribe in 1621, trying to escape the dastardly Pilgrims who want them for a feast with the Indigenous people. The animators designed her to be very sexual, and it becomes awkward for the audience because we can’t decide if she’s human, a turkey, or a weird mixture of the two. Other than her design you will forget she ever existed.

One of the final main characters is Ranger. He is a stern, motivated, and powerful turkey who wants to protect his tribe from the Pilgrims. He doesn’t get that much time to shine but he is seen most commonly with Jake. They both make the movie extremely enjoyable, with each other trying to one-up one another in every task they do. I’m pretty sure Ranger is in love with Jake, and who am I to blame him, I’d want to be his boyfriend too.

Most of the characters are very entertaining and fun but some of them, I’m talking to you, Reggie and Jenny, are extremely boring or are just weirdly designed and unlikeable.

The animation is spectacular. The turkeys look so turkey-like and feathery. The ground looks like the ground should be: dirty. Even the pizza is animated in such a way that makes it look like pizza. It is truly marvelous that we hit such a peak in animation in 2013.

Action (so riveting and better than any movie you’ve seen)

This movie sets itself apart from so many movies, so it would be in theme to not do what most movies have. This movie has no action, but it fills what would be action with other things. Instead of fighting, they dance their feelings, instead of having a climactic battle, they stop to have Chuck E. Cheese pizza. Truly a masterpiece in storytelling.

Everyone does a fantastic job in this movie. Woody Harrelson as Jake, George Takei as S.T.E.V.E., and Jimmy Hayward as Ranger all are great. The only exception is Owen Wilson as Reggie and Amy Poehler as Jenny, though it is hard to portray characters everyone hates. Everyone else is just fine, with nothing stellar.

This movie is better than The Godfather, The Shining, Saving Private Ryan, and all the other movies people praise. Sadly most people nowadays have really bad opinions. Everyone blindly follows what Hollywood wants them to like. Break away from that control and enjoy a true piece of art: Free Birds. It is a magnificent movie with unparalleled writing, stupendous acting, out-of-this-world animation, and extraordinary characters. You can always lend my copy of Freebirds on Bluray to experience the best movie of the decade. But Madagascar 2 is just a little bit better.