Courtesy of Sandy Tang
When asked about one’s biggest fear, spiders, sharks, heights, and isolation top most lists. One of my biggest fears is sharks–imagining my feet brushing against each other in the deep ocean with a great white shark lingering below me brings chilling fear.
But my biggest fear is death. It’s not necessarily dying, but the cause of my death that causes the most fright.
Part of my fear is that death does not have a definitive answer. Neither my cause of death nor yours is a set determinant. But what if I told you that I knew what can be the cause of my death?
My death will probably be due to something that has been the cause of family members’ deaths and has haunted the blood of our generation. This uncontrollable monster of a disease that my family cannot rid is something I most fear: cancer.
Cancer attempted to kill my mom, and succeeded in killing my aunt, grandpa, and grandma, so I can only wonder when it will be ready to kill me.
Maybe when I’m in my early 40’s, I’ll be doing yoga and I’ll feel a strange bump below my belly. Maybe I would choose to get it checked out. And maybe my life will flash throughout my body when they tell me.
It is as if I can hear Cancer whisper in my ear “Any last words?” And I readily reply with “I knew it.”
Finding acceptance with this is something I have yet to be content with, but as I sit on my deathbed, I might feel better knowing I was right. This doesn’t mean I’ll be ready to go with my monster. It just means that when I am admitted to the hospital, I’ll be ready to fight just like my mom did.
What I’ve come to terms with is that everything happens for a reason. If cancer ends up being the reason I breathe my last breath, then there is a reason for it. I will never understand the reason nor accept it, but there will be a reason.
So now my reflection goes to you, my reader, in this unsettling world where fate can mean nothing: what will your cause of death be?